Greetings, salutations and other expressions of welcome! Hello there, this is Human, your stationary "rover" reporter, taking time out from a friendly game of stud poker, reporting to you from ring side about the "goings on", the "happenings" at my last dog show. I am able to bring you this collection verbiage since I am paper trained. No, not that "paper trained" fried liver breath. Paper trained in the sense that I can write, I have excellent paw-manship, I love puns. A dog show, you know, is that canine beauty contest where the 2 "leggers" pay their $18.00 or thereabouts to get someone’s opinion on how we look, stand, and gait. Of course, once they get the opinion and do not like it, they argue with the dude or dudess in the middle of the ring that was pointing fingers. Strange that the 2 "leggers" call this fenced in area a ring when it is really square. Oh, excuse me a moment while I sniff this table leg.

Many times I think that it would be easier if the "2 leggers" would "draw leashes" or pick collars to see who would be the best of breed, best of opposite, best of winners, etc. Then whoever did not like the results could get the best of whiners. After that, they could have a picture taken with the dude or dudess from the middle changing their diapers. I should use the word “outcome” rather than "results" ‘cause that is what I leave on the grass after a good meal. Often times the "2 leggers" complain that this is what the show is, anyway, just a crock of "outcome".

Have you ever taken a few minutes at one of these Canine Conformation Conference, commonly known as a dog show, to observe the different breeds ? Look around those "ring squares" when you are there. First, allow me to point out that in the working group, there is the Giant Schnauzer, and of course the Standard Schnauzer, concise and to the point. It is not the short legged, wire hair, bearded chin Pincher, but the Standard Schnauzer. Then on the other hand you do not have the short hair, often black, smooth coated, long legged, bearded, somewhat muscular oversized Pincher, but the Giant Schnauzer. Again, concise and much to the point. Somewhere on the way to the working group we lost our pip-squeak cousin the Miniature Schnauzer. And finally, I must add that I am the breed that set the basis, the primary and fundamental model of these 3 breeds, the Standard Schnauzer. Need I say more!

Using a similar argument, is a Miniature Pinscher really a Doberman Pinscher that never made the grade? Or is a Doberman Pinscher actually a Miniature Pinscher that is "over tall"? Except for the size, these puppies look quite similar. While on the subject of similarities, the Pomegranate and the dinner dog, sometimes called the Chow Chow, are a real Mutt and Jeff (pardon the pun here) combination.

Now look over in the hound group and ask yourself these questions: "Is the Blood Hound just a Basset Hound with a pituitary problem?" or "Is the Basset Hound a Blood Hound with a growth problem?". Inquiring noses want to sniff. Look at the two, their faces are the same (so the Blood Hound has a better tan).

It seems strange to me that the AKC has a group of "toys". Way back when, before there were RV’s, kids’ play things had wind up spring motors in them and a big key sticking out the back to wind them up and get them going. I get the same impression when I hear the "toy group" - a bunch of wind up dogs with keys sticking out of their backs. But these small guys are so wound up, they do not need keys. Some are wound up tighter than an 8 day clock.

As a general rule, you associate sheep with a shepherd. Begging along those lines, then you should have the German Sheepdog and the Australian Sheepdog to go along with the Old English Sheepdog, the Shetland Sheepdog and the Belgian Sheepdog. Why not have a Miniature Greyhound rather than a Whippet or a Miniature Collie rather than the Shetland Sheepdog? Change the Basset Hound to a Miniature Blood Hound or change the Blood Hound to a Giant Basset. I make the call here, you make the change. As I said before, you have the Miniature Schnauzer, Standard Schnauzer and the Giant Schnauzer. Aim for consistency. There are others, but I only have so much room for this article. However before I sign off, I want to point out one more item. Over in the Working group, observe that there are 2 dogs that are great compared to the others (Great Pyrenese and Great Dane) one that is greater than the others (Greater Swiss Mt. Dog), and one that has transcended greatness and is a saint. And of course there is another one that is, ‘ahem’, the Standard. Need I say more!

Until next time, this is Human, sniffing at you . . .