Greetings, salutations, and other expressions of welcome! Hello there once again, this is Human, your stationary "rover" reporter, barking at you about those little bugs that give us fits. The critters that you can barely see, and I am not talking fleas, flea spray breath. I am talking ticks! For example, a good dobie friend of mine was bitten by a seman-tick and now she barks out of context. Where she used to growl at a passer by, she now howls. Poor thing, she is a good looking dobie and I do have the "hots" for her, even when she is not in season! I suspect that I should check to see if I was bitten by one of those diminutive red heart shaped mini-critters called the roman-tick.

When you are in the grooming area, especially at an outdoor show, stay away from the Afghan hounds. They have an aloofness about themselves that you sometimes see in a Salukis. I do not know how to describe it exactly, but my sources tell me that it could be their attraction to the majest-tick. This infinitesimal bug or royalty proportions seems to be attracted to that long flowing hair. I am aware of a group of dogs that have some inexplicable disease that no one can determine. What exactly do they have? I mean we are talking the experts checked out these pups. The experts, the best of the best, the cream of the crop, an army of knowledge, are stumped and befuddled (complete with blank stares and dumb looks). It is not that these two leggers are barking up the wrong tree or marking the wrong bush, they just do not know.

However, my informed sources at the Institute for Bugs and Grubs (IBG) tell me that the cause of their discomfort is the, almost invisible to the naked microscope, the genet-tick. Now this almost un-seeable critter is directly related to the mathemat-tick, who is a somewhat square pest that lives by a set of well defined set of rules, axioms and theorems. Research into the effect of this critter's bite on dog hair has revealed several abnormalities. Their hair becomes worn, frazzled, and has square roots. If you look at the evolutionary tick tree, you will plainly see that these two guys are directly related since they are on the same branch.

Have you ever noticed that some toy dogs seem to be crazy all of time? You cannot approach these pups without them barking at you. In my expert opinion, I would say that these neophytes have been bitten by a micro-pest that only jumps on them at night, the luna-tick. This tick goes after my smaller canine buds, since it cannot jump on us bigger dog types. The toys that this tick bites become flat out crazy and jump all over the place. One theory states that this tick goes through some type of metamorphosis and transforms form a luna-tick into a ballist-tick, causing my toy acquaintances to jump around uncontrollably. I do not know exactly how this happens, but inquiring noses want to sniff.

There are other studies being done at the IBG, such as investigation into the effects of the bite of the ballis-tick and luna-tick. This research is based on how their poisons interact with the ballis-tick. My sources inform me that evidence supports the fact that a few of those hyper-hounds, who have become very lethargic, have once been bitten by the anti-ballist-tick. These minute annoyances are attracted to the odor caused by ticks roaming our backs and marking hairs. The ordor emulated by the luna-tick is similar to that of the magest-tick.

Let me point out that a few of my canine buds in the hound group are dragging their tails to all corners of the show site. I know for a fact that these canines were bitten by the infamous pessimis-tick. The micro-organisms in the saliva from this bi-quadruped tick is the main cause of their laid backness. Some canines have a straight back, or a short back, but these hounds have a laid back. Now those hanging jowls on their faces, that is another story, and my sources are supposedly working on it.

Of course, we know that household canines all over the world have been bitten by the ubiquitious domest-tick. The "two leggers" have known this fact for centuries. The immune effect of this "varmint" of the insect world does not happen until that time when we have this urge to water all areas of the carpet and the kitchen floor.

One thing that I have observed many times at those Canine Conformation contests is the way those "two leggers" in the middle of the show square play favorites. I was watching the Irish Setups one day and there was this bitch, and she was awesome, hair flowing, tail straight back, perfect gait, she definitely had her feces organized (and it did not smell too bad either). She definitely deserved the best of breed award, but the "two leggers" in the middle pointed to another setup. Boy, was I infuriated! But it goes to show that the "two leggers" get bitten by those petite bloodsuckers too. In this instance, it definitely was, beyond a shadow of doubt, a case of blindness that is caused by the bite of the ploi-tick. The "two legger" at the other end of the leash had a hunk of metal on his jacket that stood for Professional Half Ass, or was it Piss-Poor Handlers Anomonous (I have seen both), which told me that he too was bitten by the poly-tick.

Until next time, this is Human, reminding you to use your master's card, and when traveling to Alaska, take your Canine Express and do not leave Nome without it.